I had a great first show [as an adult] experience. I am also very competitive. I realized after the show there were many minor mistakes that, at the time, I didn’t think much of. Of course, when there’s video proof of each minor, inconsequential error, you’re able to obsess and nitpick to the point of confidence loss, which I did. I shouldn’t have. I regret it. But I like to win, I don’t like to admit it, and it makes me not want to compete in other areas of life.
In recent lessons after the show I started to obsess over every tiny, TINY mistake I would be make. I started going to my trainers, saying I was losing my confidence, Leo was losing confidence in me [because instead of taking jumps long, we would chip everything], I need “confidence building” lessons. In response to Leo losing confidence in me, one told me that no, he trusts me now and when I tell him to always add, he listens. The small confidence building lessons sort of helped, but it wasn’t really my ability but my attitude that was causing these mistakes to be repeated.
So, I've just decided to just have fun with it. I had stopped laughing when I made a mistake and instead felt guilty and embarrassed. Those aren’t productive emotions. I’m doing this, spending this time and money and emotional energy to have fun, right? I don’t HAVE to go out and ride, ever. From here on out, I’m fully embracing my amateur status. The earliest use of the word amateur meant one who does something for the love of it. Forget focusing on insecurities. I'm deciding I'm confident enough to do this.
& so far it's worked.
Except for the God forsaken green line.